“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one”
~ Elbert Hubbard
Quote of the Day 1/26/09 January 26, 2009
“God cannot give you what you need, until you stop doing what you want”~Unknown
Quote of the Day 1/16/09 January 16, 2009
“A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on”~ Carl Sandburg
Time Flies…my baby is 2! January 12, 2009
I realized this morning that I have been somewhat neglecting my blog lately. I guess with the holidays and everything going on lately I just haven’t had much time to write but I know I need to get more consistent in my writing, especially since it helps a lot to talk about all of the things on my mind.
With that being said, yesterday was my baby’s 2nd birthday! I cannot believe that my little man is already two years old. It really feels like it was just the other day that I found out I was pregnant; the rest of this time has been a blur filled with many ups and downs. It amazes me how at the instant that he was born, Alex began to change so many lives. He has truly been a blessing and although he is quite the independent little boy now who at times makes me lose a little bit of patience, I simply cannot imagine my life without him. He has given me the strength I never knew or thought I had, the confidence to do things I never thought I would do, a new sense of purpose and most importantly…he has restored my faith in love and happiness.
The last two years have been filled with trials and tribulations. Many long nights filled with tears and frustration. But as I was telling one of my best friends and really one of the people that has truly helped me get through the last two years, I can honestly say that I feel like life is falling back into place for me. I decided weeks ago to start getting rid of the “toxic” people in my life. My phone/email/instant messages have been SO quiet since then and I am so happy it. It’s nice to be drama free and with my new hectic schedule I just don’t have time for people in my life that are there to bring me down. Most of my days now start at 6am, and between work and school I don’t get home until at least 12-1230 in the morning, five nights a week. I know take the time to truly enjoy every moment I have at work, school and at home with my family and of course with my little man. I barely have time to breathe, let alone sweat the small stuff so for the first time in years I feel at peace and like everything is going to be alright. I have definitely waited long enough for this time in my life, and although I know I have a long way to go, I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel I have been in the last few years and it’s an amazing feeling…
Here are some pictures of Alex and I…the day I brought him home from the hospital, on his first birthday and yesterday on his second birthday!
Quote of the Day 12/23/08 December 23, 2008
Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile~Franklin P. Jones
10 Pieces of Me December 23, 2008
I originally saw this meme on one of the blogs I follow daily, and I figured it was ok to “steal” the idea and write my own list…
10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people
1. Will you ever learn or will you be a lost cause the rest of your life?
2. Thank you for showing me the meaning of unconditional love
3. Mind your business, you have no idea what it’s like
4. There’s a special place in hell for people like you
5. I wish you really knew how I felt about you, I guess time will tell…
6. You are truly my hero
7. I can’t wait to finally meet you!
8. Please stop calling and texting me, nothing is going to change
9. Thank you for listening to me, even if you have heard it 100 times
10. Thank you for believing in me, even when I don’t believe in myself
9 Things about yourself
1. I am trying every day to be a better mother
2. I have a hard time making decisions
3. I am tired of feeling alone
4. I have been blessed with amazing parents
5. I am my own worst critic
6. I am looking forward to starting school and a new stage in my life
7. I hope 2009 is a much better year than 2008
8. I wish nothing but the best for everyone around me
9. I am amazed everytime I look at my son
8 Ways to win my heart
1. MUST accept and get along with my son
2. Have a good sense of humor
3. Be honest
4. Must be able to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously
5. Being a good cook will earn lots of points lol
6. Be patient
7. Be understanding
8. Be yourself
7 Things that cross my mind a lot
1. How will I juggle work, school and being a single mom?
2. Will I have other children?
3. Will I ever take a vacation? lol
4. Will I ever find true love?
5. What would I do without my family?
6. What have I done to deserve such good friends?
7. Does my son know just how much I love him?
6 Things I do before I go to sleep
1. Brush my teeth
2. Pray
3. Check my emails
4. Check my cellphone
5. Check on my son and give him a kiss
6. Write in my journal
5 People I couldn’t live without
1. Alex (my son)
2. Mom
3. Dad
4. Sister
5. God
4 Things I am wearing right now
1. black dress
2. fleece sweater
3. earrings
4. shoes
3 Songs that fit my life perfectly(right now)
1. If I were a Boy-Beyonce
2. Better in Time-Leona Lewis
3. She Got Her Own- Ne-Yo & Jamie Foxx
2 Things I want to do before I die
1. Lots of traveling
2. Fall in love…
1 Confession
It’s getting harder every day to have faith that everything will fall into place some day…
RIP Caylee Marie Anthony 2005-2008 December 19, 2008
What can I say? This case has hit close to home in so many ways. Of course since it has all happened 10-15 minutes from my home, there has been so much coverage that it’s become a regular topic on the news. Being the mother of a toddler myself I just cant even comprehend how anyone, especially a mother, can be responsible for such a crime. Today, it was confirmed that the remains found last week do in fact belong to Caylee Marie Anthony. An innocent and beautiful child that was taken from this world much too soon. I hope that the identification of the remains will at least bring closure to the rest of her family and I hope that justice is served in this case.
RIP baby girl…may you rest peacefully and happily in heaven with the other angels…
Bah Humbug… December 9, 2008
For the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to the holidays. As a matter of fact, if there was a “fast forward” button in life, I would push it and skip straight to January. Now, this might come as a surprise to those close to me since I have always been the holiday queen. I’m the kind of person that normally breaks out the decorations the morning after Thanksgiving. I usually help decorate my parents house, my office, my cubicle, hell I’ve decorated other people’s cubicles to help get them into the spirit. But this year…it’s just not there.
However because I have a son now, who is almost two years old, ”skipping” the holidays isn’t really an option but at least it can be scaled down without him really noticing that mommy just isn’t in the mood for all of the joy and happiness that comes from the holidays. The funny thing is that as much as I would like to run and hide from it all, Alex always has a way to point things out. After all, one of his favorite phrases nowadays is “mommy look tree!” and he oohs and aahs at all of the “lights mama lights!” If it wasn’t for him I honestly wouldn’t care about the holidays at all this year.
It’s hard to explain to my friends and family where my indifference for the holidays is coming from this year without hearing the same things “you have a beautiful son that you should be thankful for” or “you are surrounded by people that love you, why are you being so grumpy?” So let’s clear that up now… I know that the holidays are about family and friends. I know that I have an amazing son who lights up my life, not only at this time of the year but every single day. I know that I am surrounded my family and friends that love and support me and trust me, I am happy and grateful to have such blessings when there are plenty of people in this world that wish they had all of those things. But all of those things don’t change one things…I am lonely. The best way I can explain it is that as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc…I am happy and fulfilled. As a woman, I feel alone.
It’s not that I feel like I “need” a man in my life to be happy, because I know that I don’t. So what’s wrong with just “wanting” to have someone special in your life? It’s a hard time of the year to be alone. Every where I go there’s parents buying gifts for their kids, families dressed up in identical outfits getting their holiday pictures taken, and even the christmas commercials make me sad. Because once again I feel as if my son and I are missing out on being our own “normal family.” Last year it didnt hit me as hard because it was Alex’s first Christmas and there was so much going on that I was on cloud nine. This year I have seriously been dreading the holidays for months, and as soon as Thanksgiving weekend came along the “holiday blues” sank in.
I know that I will get through it and I know deep down that 2009 is going to be a much better year filled with lots of changes and positive things, I guess I just can’t wait to get there. But then again, at times, like last night when I took Alex to get his Xmas pictures taken, I stepped back and looked at my little baby who has quickly turned into a little boy. Dressed up in his cute outfit and dressy shoes, flashing that beautiful smile with the cutest dimples in the world and I realize that no matter how empty a part of my heart feels, there is a little angel in my life that fills my heart with love, joy, and most importantly…HOPE.
(Disclaimer: However, this does NOT mean that I won’t be posting a “Kill Cupid” post around the middle of February…trust me, it’s coming!)
How I became a single mom… November 13, 2008
I make far too many decisions on the basis of not wanting to be alone…
Wow, I read that on someone’s blog the other day (I wish I could remember where so I could give them “credit”) but I froze as soon as I read it. It’s such a simple sentence with so much meaning behind it. I guess you could say I have lived most of my adult life this way. My biggest fear is to be alone and this has caused me to make some rather questionable decisions. Which leads me right into my story of just how I became a single mom.
I remember being at my parents’ house on my 25th birthday and having a discussion about having kids. (At 25 I was one of the oldest in my generation of friends and family that was not married, didn’t have any kids, or was even in a “serious” relationship and in the Hispanic culture for some reason a lot of people look at it as something being “wrong” with you lol) But I was not ready to have kids; actually having a child was the last thing on my mind. I had a great family and a wonderful circle of friends. I had a great daytime job and I was working at different night clubs at least 5 nights a week. I had my own place and no one to tell me what to do or where to go. I was on top of the world…and yet I felt so alone. I was coming home to an empty apartment every night, and sometimes the loneliness was so bad that I would often cry myself to sleep. So as I laughed at the conversation with my parents about not wanting to have a child anytime soon, little did I know that I would get pregnant just a few short weeks later.
I “met” my son’s father one night online. We exchanged a few emails and then the emails turned into phone calls. Within a few days we had arranged to meet. We met up and instantly clicked, I made dinner for him that night and I honestly don’t remember him leaving after that. The first night he stayed at my apartment, I didn’t want him to leave. It had been a long time since I had felt any kind of companionship and at that moment I was not ready to let that go. The next few days we were pretty much inseparable, he would come over after work and was pretty much only home to get some more clothes. Within weeks he was hardly going home at all and one day I woke up and realized that my apartment had quickly turned into “our” place and it was a weird feeling. Isn’t that what I had wanted? Someone to share my life with? Yet I was feeling a little “off.” But I pushed those feelings aside, because I was feeling something else and it was something that was taking over all of my thoughts. I knew right away that I was pregnant, I could just feel it. I was very in tune with my body and knew that I just wasn’t feeling right. I was afraid to tell him that I thought I was pregnant, after all, we had only known each other a few weeks, and I thought that as soon as I told him he would leave. But I also couldn’t hide it from him, so I told him and to my surprise he said to me, well let’s go get a test and if it’s negative we will just have to start being a lot more careful, if it’s positive I promise you that everything will be ok…
So I bought a test and decided to take it the following morning. I could barely sleep that night; I had so many things running through my mind. I woke up around 5am, and within SECONDS the test turned positive. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to tell myself that it wasn’t real but I knew deep down that it was. I crawled back in bed and didn’t say a word. He woke up about an hour later and asked me if I was ready to take the test. All I could say was “it’s on the counter go look at it.” He walked back in the room with a smile on his face and asked me why I wasn’t more excited. I felt horrible when he said that. I knew that a child is a blessing but at that time I just had so many other thoughts. So I took a shower and went to work, it was so hard to not tell anyone what was going on (especially since I worked with my sister and a few of my closest friends and I would tell them everything) I got home from work that day and I was exhausted. He had dinner made when I got home and then told me that he was going to take my car to the store to buy a few things we needed and that he had drawn me a hot bath so I could relax. It was that night that I realized that things were not going to go well…
His trip to the “store” took about 12 hours. He left the house around 6pm and didn’t come back until the following morning. I wasn’t sure what to think that night. I couldn’t sleep; I kept waiting to hear the front door opening. For some reason I had left my phone in the car that day so I didn’t have any way to communicate with anyone. I walked to the gas station next to my complex at 3am and called his brothers house where he was “living’ before we met to see if he was there. He was not. I explained to them what was going on and all his brother could say was “Oh no, he’s starting this shit already. Don’t worry, he will be home soon” (well that didn’t really make me feel better!) Sure enough, he came home a few hours later. He told me that he was sorry and that it had just hit him really hard that he was having another child (he has 2 children from a previous relationship) and he wanted to make sure that he would be able to be in this baby’s life. So I told him that it would be ok and that we were going to be a family and everything would be alright.
But things were not alright. Over the next few weeks things started to change between us. The “honeymoon phase” was quickly ending and we were getting to know each other and I quickly started to realize that I did not like the person that he was. I was constantly catching him in lies and yet I blew it off because I wanted to “do the right thing for the baby.” I thank God that physically I had a wonderful pregnancy. I had never felt better and more beautiful in my life. But I hated going home, I hated being around him. I hated the lies and the manipulation that was going on in my home. One holiday weekend I remember waking up and him telling me that he had let one of his friends borrow my car, but that he would bring it back in a few hours. Hours turned into days. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on, I didn’t want to be “that girl” that everyone always talked about. The ones that let their man take over their life and treat them like crap. So I kept it all to myself. A few days later I decided to tell my parents that my car had been stolen, I didn’t want them to worry about me. I rented a car until I could figure out what to do next. And then the night after I got my rental car I wake up in the middle of the night and I realize I am in bed by myself. He was gone, my purse was gone, and my rental car was gone. Luckily my cell phone was still there, so I frantically call his brother’s wife and have her come to the apartment. I knew where he liked to hang out so I told her to take me there. Within minutes I spotted him and my rental car and he spotted me too. I got out of the car to talk to him and find out what was going on and when I saw his face I didn’t even recognize him, he had the oddest look in his eyes. And then he jumped in the rental car and drove off. I got a call from the cops a few hours later; they had found him behind a building with a crack pipe in one pocket and my wallet in the other. He had completely cleaned out my bank account and the rental car was no where to be found. Everything started to fall into place in my mind. The car was eventually found; one of his many drug dealers had led the police on a chase through a neighborhood, and eventually ran the car into the side of a house. Him and his dealer both were arrested that night. I felt as though I was in a horrible dream and all I wanted to do was wake up.
Days later he got out of jail and against my better judgment I let him come back home. Over the next few months I put up with more and more stuff that I swore I wouldn’t put with. (At some point I will go into more detail I don’t want to make this longer than it has to be) Finally in the weeks leading up to my son’s birth I really started thinking about wanting to leave him. But I was once again afraid of being alone. And I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking that it was my fault that we were not a family. So I stayed, or I should say I let him stay. The holidays came and went and everyone around me was full of happiness and joy, and I was once again dreading going home and spending even one minute in the same room with him. Then one morning I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I went to visit my mother at work and she sat me down before I could even say a word and she pulled a key out of her purse and put it in front of me and said “You don’t have to make a decision right now, I just want you to know that your dad and I want nothing but the best for you and the baby. So here is the key to the house, you can come home whenever you are ready.” And I broke down crying and told her that I would be home by the end of the week. Then I went to work and went home and I told him that night that since he refused to leave I was going to be the one leaving and surprisingly he was not upset and told me he had been expecting it. I told him that I was going to take him to his brother’s house and once I had packed and left the apartment he could swing by and get his clothes before I turned in the keys to the apartment. After I dropped him off I went back home and was finally able to get rest and relax and I laid on the couch watching tv until I drifted off to sleep, only to wake up a few hours later with the strangest thing I had ever felt before…contractions!
It was Thursday January 11, 2007 around 1am when the contractions started. My mind started racing, I had no idea what to do or who to call that early in the morning, but I knew I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital. I tried to settle down but as the time went by they got worse and worse until I knew it was time to go. I hauled my son’s car seat, my suitcases and hospital bag down three flights of stairs and drove to the building next to mine and banged on my cousin’s window until I woke her up. She knew before even I even opened my mouth what was going on and we were on our way to the hospital. It was still too early to call everyone, since I didn’t really know if was “really” in labor. But I called his brothers house to tell him that our baby was on his way, and I don’t really know why I was surprised that he wasn’t there, they hadn’t seen him since I had dropped him off earlier that night. The next few hours were a blur. Between all the people coming in and out and the medications I was given I don’t remember too much of what was going on. All I know is that within 5 hours of me arriving at the hospital and less than 30 minutes of actual “pushing and labor” my wonderful son was born. And his father was not there to witness it…He arrived about an hour later, told me he was busy with some friends and was sorry he couldn’t make it. In other words, he was too busy getting high to be there at his son’t birth. Looking back now, he was lucky that the epidural had not worn off and I couldn’t feel my legs or else there would’ve been a fight in that hospital room. But my life had already changed and the instant Alex was born I felt a new purpose in life. I knew that everything I had endured in the 9 months prior to that moment no longer meant anything, and my sole purpose now was to be there for him and make sure that he had everything and anything he needed. So two days after I had him I left the hospital, went straight to my parents house and haven’t looked back since. Everything happens for a reason, and I know now that my biggest fear was overcome the day my son was born, because I will never ever be alone again!
