For the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to the holidays. As a matter of fact, if there was a “fast forward” button in life, I would push it and skip straight to January. Now, this might come as a surprise to those close to me since I have always been the holiday queen. I’m the kind of person that normally breaks out the decorations the morning after Thanksgiving. I usually help decorate my parents house, my office, my cubicle, hell I’ve decorated other people’s cubicles to help get them into the spirit. But this year…it’s just not there.
However because I have a son now, who is almost two years old, ”skipping” the holidays isn’t really an option but at least it can be scaled down without him really noticing that mommy just isn’t in the mood for all of the joy and happiness that comes from the holidays. The funny thing is that as much as I would like to run and hide from it all, Alex always has a way to point things out. After all, one of his favorite phrases nowadays is “mommy look tree!” and he oohs and aahs at all of the “lights mama lights!” If it wasn’t for him I honestly wouldn’t care about the holidays at all this year.
It’s hard to explain to my friends and family where my indifference for the holidays is coming from this year without hearing the same things “you have a beautiful son that you should be thankful for” or “you are surrounded by people that love you, why are you being so grumpy?” So let’s clear that up now… I know that the holidays are about family and friends. I know that I have an amazing son who lights up my life, not only at this time of the year but every single day. I know that I am surrounded my family and friends that love and support me and trust me, I am happy and grateful to have such blessings when there are plenty of people in this world that wish they had all of those things. But all of those things don’t change one things…I am lonely. The best way I can explain it is that as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc…I am happy and fulfilled. As a woman, I feel alone.
It’s not that I feel like I “need” a man in my life to be happy, because I know that I don’t. So what’s wrong with just “wanting” to have someone special in your life? It’s a hard time of the year to be alone. Every where I go there’s parents buying gifts for their kids, families dressed up in identical outfits getting their holiday pictures taken, and even the christmas commercials make me sad. Because once again I feel as if my son and I are missing out on being our own “normal family.” Last year it didnt hit me as hard because it was Alex’s first Christmas and there was so much going on that I was on cloud nine. This year I have seriously been dreading the holidays for months, and as soon as Thanksgiving weekend came along the “holiday blues” sank in.
I know that I will get through it and I know deep down that 2009 is going to be a much better year filled with lots of changes and positive things, I guess I just can’t wait to get there. But then again, at times, like last night when I took Alex to get his Xmas pictures taken, I stepped back and looked at my little baby who has quickly turned into a little boy. Dressed up in his cute outfit and dressy shoes, flashing that beautiful smile with the cutest dimples in the world and I realize that no matter how empty a part of my heart feels, there is a little angel in my life that fills my heart with love, joy, and most importantly…HOPE.
(Disclaimer: However, this does NOT mean that I won’t be posting a “Kill Cupid” post around the middle of February…trust me, it’s coming!)
Tricia Said:
on December 10, 2008 at 12:41 am
Oh girl…I could’ve written this post myself! But for me, the holidays have always been more stressful than fun ever since I’ve been a grownup. The fact that I’m single (and read that as…”alone”) now just sorta adds to it. No, multiplies it. You can come decorate my cubie if you want!
Christmas is so much work. And money. Even though the season is NOT about the Stuff for me, I still love taking this one time a year to spoil my kids rotten with no reservations. This year, it ain’t gonna happen. Luckily, my older son is old enough to take it in stride, even though I know it’s gotta be thoroughly disappointing for him, and my little one is still too young to know the difference. But it really eats at me.
For what it’s worth, I give you every right and permission to be glum if that’s how you feel. I’m right there with ya.
And think of it this way — not having a man in your life means one less present you have to stress out over buying!
Are you gonna post some pics of the cutie? Maybe over on iheart if not here….
pisceshanna Said:
on December 11, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Hey if 2009 is going to be much better, then why not start celebrating it early? Or at least say, whatever happens in the next month means nothing because HERE COMES 2009!
I know what you mean about being alone. I was in that funk when LB was with her dad on Thanksgiving. I was like “whats the point in celebrating a day when I’m not with my daughter?”
You’ll feel better.
CreoleInDC Said:
on December 11, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I won’t be trite and say anything cliche-ish…I’ll just say that I understood what you were saying and I believe a lot of people feel the exact same way so know there is nothing wrong with you.
cmarree Said:
on December 11, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Here by way of CreoleInDC – I feel you on this:
The best way I can explain it is that as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc…I am happy and fulfilled. As a woman, I feel alone.
trac Said:
on December 11, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Man. I think I’ve written a post very similar to this one in the past. I feel you. It’s rough, especially when everyone expects you to always be “cheerful” and excited.
I know that the one year I was in a good relationship with someone at Christmas time- it was an eery feeling on Christmas Eve to have someone help me “set up” what Santa brought, and talk to in hushed whispers. I know that I’ve done this alone my whole children’s lives for the most part- and have spent too many christmas’ “alone” (or in a bad awful relationship) – and it sux.
Yes indeed.
Keelah Said:
on December 12, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Here via Creole…I understand.